


in silent screams and wildest dreams (this love)

by hardcandys



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Spoilers, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-19
Updated: 2015-06-25
Packaged: 2018-04-05 03:03:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4163232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hardcandys/pseuds/hardcandys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>All he can do is stare at her, because she's right. He could've gone after her. But he let her walk away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you are just gone and gone

**Author's Note:**

> hulktasha makes me angry so this is how i deal with my feelings. i'm sorry in advance.

Steve was tired. His muscles ached, his head hurt, and his heart, his fucking _heart_ , felt like it's been sliced open, pulled out of his body and trampled on.

It had been a long day, the team chased Ultron to South Africa where they had to fight off him and his mini-bots. And that Wanda girl had messed with Steve's, along with everyone else excluding Barton, head. She'd made him see things he'd been trying to get over for over a year.

_We can go home, Steve. The war is over._

But the war wasn't over. One war ended, another beginning. Steve looked out over the farm. It was quaint and secluded, surrounded by thick trees with a vast area of flat land. Home. Something Steve didn't have anymore. Hadn't had for a long time.

"Hey soldier."

He didn't turn around, keeping his eyes directly ahead of him, staring but not seeing. She brushed up next to him, looking at the scenery before them. He could smell the shampoo she'd used when she showered. Raspberries and coconut. He remembered the taste of her lips, the burning sensation they had left on his cheek.

"Clint made dinner." She spoke softly, not wanting to disturb the peacefulness of the environment. He let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding in. "I'm not hungry. But, thank you." She looked at him. He could feel her gaze, piercing and cool. He didn't relent. "You gonna be okay, Cap?"

He chuckled, darkly. "Don't really have a choice do I?" She didn't answer, looking back out across the farm. "You wanna talk about it?"

Steve clenched his jaw, finally turning to look at her. She was beautiful and serene. Her red hair barely brushed her shoulders, now clad in a black long-sleeve shirt. Her arms were crossed in front of her, all of her weight leaning on the porch railing. "How's Banner?"

She didn't flinch, merely looking up at him coolly. "He'll be alright. Still swimming in a pool of guilt, but it'll pass." He gave a curt nod of affirmation. It wasn't fair really, that she was able to keep her cool so well. But, he reminded himself bitterly, she had nothing to be upset over.

He felt resentment toward himself as the feelings of burning jealousy rose up inside of him once more. He'd had his chance and he blew it. That was that. She chose Banner, and she was happy. But, fuck, it hurt that she wasn't happy with him.

"Rogers," Her voice broke through his thoughts, gentle and quiet. "C'mon talk. You used to tell me everything. What's going on?"  

_You used to tell me everything._

The words cut through him like a knife. There hadn't been any malice in her voice, yet it felt as though she had slapped him. Steve clenched his fists, feeling his head and heart pound. "And you used to not keep things from me, but things are different now huh?"

The moment the words slipped out of his mouth, he regretted them. They were childish and insecure. As though someone else had spoken them. Her eyes widened in shock.

She swallowed, taking a deep breath before saying calmly, “I’m not keeping anything from you.” He laughed, bitterly. “I’m 95, not stupid. Don’t try and tell me you and Banner are just friends.”

He couldn’t stop; it felt like every angry and disappointed feeling he’d had was clawing its way out. “I don’t expect anything else from you Natasha. I just wish you’d tell me the goddamn truth. But you and your secrets.”

Her eyes had darkened, eyebrows narrowing into a glare. “I don’t have to tell you anything about my personal life Rogers, we aren’t partners anymore! Bruce and I aren’t interfering with work, so there’s no problem.”

“Why him, Natasha?” The question was small, yet it rang in both of their ears. Steve sounded so defeated, so _pathetic_. He winched at his words.

She looked at him, eyes slightly wetter than normal. “Because...he understands me.” She shook her head. “He knows what it’s like to be a...a…monster.”

“He _is_ a monster Natasha, but you? No.” She glowered at him. “He gets me. He knows what it’s like to be something someone else created, and not for good. We’ve both killed innocent people because it’s what we were made to do. And we both want to go away, somewhere we can’t hurt anyone else.”

He looked at her in disbelief. “I don’t believe that. You’re a fighter, Natasha. You won’t run away from your problems. You’ll finish the job.” He reached out and grabbed her wrist gently. “It’s who you are.”

She snatched her arm out of his grasp. “Don’t act like you know me.” She spat coldly. “You had your chance, Rogers. And you just let me walk away.”

All he can do is stare at her, because she's right. He could've gone after her. But he let her walk away. And he had been beating himself up over it for the past year.

 “You could have stayed.” He said. “You didn’t have to go.” There were tears in her eyes now, and that only made him feel worse. She was trying to hold her composure together but it was slipping out of her grasp.

 “I had to go find a new identity, and you know that. Don’t put this on me.” Her voice was cold and Steve felt his body shudder involuntarily. 

 He gave a weak smile as his posture slouched in defeat and exhaustion. "You're right. I blew it. I'm glad you're happy now."

 Steve turned around and walked back into the house, away from Natasha for the second time.

 ****  
  



	2. lantern burning, flickered in my mind for only you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope this one is better than the first :)

Natasha stood on the porch watching Steve walk away from her for the second time. 

"You're a coward." 

She spoke lowly and venom laced every word. Steve froze, hand on the door knob, his whole body tense. Natasha could practically feel the anger radiating off of him. "I'm a what?"

He too spoke quietly, but the air around them seemed to get thinner. "You're a _coward_." She repeated, placing careful emphasis on the last word. He let go of the door knob and turned to face her, jaw clenched and eyes narrowed.

" _I'm_ the coward?" He laughed darkly. "You're the one who couldn't even tell me how you felt! I was there Natasha, every fucking day, I was there for you. And I was a phone call away when we both left. I didn't hear from you. Not once. I had to ask Sam to ask Maria if you were still alive. If you were doing okay. I prayed that you would somehow try to communicate with me, or that we'd see each other again soon. And then we're called together again and you're with fucking Banner and it's like I don't even exist anymore."

He was breathing heavily, both from pent up frustration and anger at himself that he was letting her see him like this, so vulnerable. _Weak._ She was still standing there, arms crossed against her chest in a defensive position, but her face betrayed her. Shock, hurt and guilt were visible, her eyes now swimming in tears.

"Why didn't you tell me? You should have told me and you could have come after me." Defense was her only mechanism now as she could feel her walls begin to crumble. Damn him. Why did he have to push her to this point? Black Widow/Natasha Romanoff wasn't weak. She didn't have time for these feelings. 

"Would it have made a difference?" 

She hesitated. Would it have made a difference if Steve had declared his feelings for her? It certainly would have changed things. They probably wouldn't have separated, that's for sure. And she never would've turned to Bruce in her hour of need. Steve took a step closer to her and she focused her attention back on him.

He looked exhausted; dark circles were ever so noticeable under his eyes, there were bruises and cuts scattered on his tan skin that were slowly starting to fade thanks to the serum, and his face had lost most of its anger. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch his cheek.

"Natasha," The terrible plea was back, and her heart ached. "You should go get some rest." 

" _Natasha."_   Desperation and need poured out of him. "Please."

"Cap? Nat? We need you in here." Clint poked his head out of the door. 

Natasha brushed past Steve, not looking at him as she marched back into the house. Steve took a deep breath, trying to collect himself as he turned back.

"We were discussing what happens next." Clint filled them in as they settled in the small kitchen, Tony and Clint resting against the breakfast bar, Laura in the kitchen doing dishes, Thor and Bruce sitting at the table, and Natasha behind Bruce. Steve swallowed down his bitterness and listened to Tony.

"Well there's not much we can do. We don't exactly have an army of robots, let alone people." Steve shook his head. "We don't need an army. We need each other, we need to work together and be able to trust each other. No more secrets." His tone was even and he was looking at Tony as he spoke, but Natasha bristled. She placed her hand on Bruce's shoulder, who started at the contact, but relaxed just a quickly.

Natasha watched Steve's jaw clench and felt a small burst of vindictive pleasure explode in her, replaced almost instantly with guilt. The rest of their impromptu meeting passed quickly in a whirl of ideas and new plans. The team decided to spend the night at the farm before heading out in the morning. Natasha kissed Bruce's cheek and bade him a hurried good night before slipping upstairs. 

Steve, who had witnessed the small intimate moment, told Clint he was going to go for a walk to clear his head before spending the night in the Quinjet. He said good night to the rest of the team before walking out into the cool night air. 

The farm was dark, but the nightlife was clearly alive. Toads and crickets chirped and hummed, fireflies flickered in the distance and the occasional lonely howl of a wolf could be heard. Steve didn't have the energy to appreciate any of it however, and he strode through the damp grass towards the woods.

"Rogers."

She was too good at sneaking up on people, he thought bitterly, but didn't stop to confront her. He was tired and defeated, he didn't want to deal with the angst anymore. "Steve."

Her voice was meek, a hint of the desperation he had shown earlier evident. He turned slowly, and there she was.

And suddenly she was in front of him and kissing him, wrapping one arm around his neck, the other pressed up against his chest as she leaned up into him. And he was kissing her back and it was bliss. As though time had stopped and there were no threats and nothing else mattered because she was kissing him. She tasted of fruit, soap and home. 

_Home._

"What...are you...?" He breathed against her lips, but she shook her head. "Just take me, and make me forget."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short lame chapter, but happy ending yay! the next chapter will be kinda (very) ((not very)) smutty  
> -follow me on tumblr!! http://putyousdowns.tumblr.com/  
> -should i post the link to the playlist i made for this three-shot? 
> 
> thnx for reading!


	3. this love came back to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> who hates me, i took too long to post this!!

Natasha was unnerved. Never had someone focused on pleasing her so much during sex.

Steve's kisses caused goosebumps to erupt from her skin, already flushed from the heat of their half-naked bodies pressed against each other. He was so tender with her, as if she was a porcelain doll and he didn't want to break her by pressing too hard. His hands caressed her skin lightly, and _god_ , there was no way this man was a virgin.

She let out a soft moan when he tugged gently on her hair, pulling back to look at her. “Are you sure about...this?” Steve murmured, slowly kissing down her jaw. Natasha let out a shaky breath, nodding. "Just...don't stop." She tightened her thighs around his waist, sliding her body up his and smirking softly when she heard him catch his breath. "Jesus, Nat." 

He was rock hard, she could feel him through his sweatpants and she squeezed his shaft gently. He let out a deep, throaty moan and slipped his hands to her hips, tucking his thumbs in her underwear and pulling them down. "Eager are we?" Natasha teased and chuckled when his cheeks flushed. She reached down and placed her hand on his head, gasping a moment later when he placed a kiss right above her vagina.

She could feel a familiar pooling sensation in her lower stomach that she hadn't felt in far too long as Steve ducked down to please her. The moment she felt his tongue make contact with her clit, her legs automatically wrapped around his neck, pulling him into her. He smirked, the  _nerve_ , when she let out a cry of pleasure at his ministrations.

"Steve... _please_." She breathed, grasping at the bedsheets as he continued to eat her out. She could feel her orgasm building and let out a string of curse words, thrusting her hips up. Steve pulled away right as she was about to let go and moved back up her body. She glared at him, actually snarling when he smiled sheepishly at her. "I'm not done yet, babe, don't worry." 

 _Babe._ Natasha blinked, and he hesitated, regretting his word choice. Before he could open his mouth however, she had pulled him down into a passionate kiss. "Fuck me Steve, I need you." She murmured against his lips. His sweats were off in a flash and he was sliding in her before she could catch her breath. Her arousal helped him slide in easily and he could feel the muscles of her insides contract around him.

Steve's hands moved to curl around her hips, thumbs running over her bones in a gentle caress before he settled his grip. He could feel one of Natasha's hand on his lower back, the other scratching down from his shoulder. The air was filled with grunts, moans and the soft slap of skin on skin. He buried his face in Natasha's neck, sucking on the silky skin, enjoying the sounds of her staggered mewling. 

"Steve...I'm...please... _please,_ " Natasha's cry echoed throughout the jet as she came, and the shudder from Steve on top of her told her he had come too. He slid out of her and collapsed onto his back next to her, breathing heavily. She curled up next to him and his arm wrapped around her waist, pulling her into him. He placed a kiss on her temple before pulling the sheets up over them.

"I'm sorry." She was the first to break the silence after they caught their breaths. "You have nothing to apologize for." His voice was sincere. "I was an idiot." He chuckled. "We both were. But you're here now, and that's all that matters." She looked up at him and he was smiling down at her. Steve leaned down to kiss her forehead. "I..." He hesitated. 

"I know. Me too." His grin nearly split his face in two, a smile she hadn't seen in over a year. When she leaned down to kiss him, she knew that everything would be alright. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for the lame ending, but i am trash at writing smut. if this is awful and you hate it, i'm sorry omg
> 
> i'm working on an evansson fic, should be up in a couple days! and another romanogers one shot, hopefully i can finish them both soon. 
> 
> \- send me prompts http://putyousdowns.tumblr.com/  
>  \- thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY this was bad but also there's more angst coming and i can't help it  
> steve why u do this  
> natasha why u do this
> 
> if u wanna follow me on tumblr that'd be dope. send me prompts or somethin! http://putyousdowns.tumblr.com/
> 
>  
> 
> -the inspiration for this fic is taylor swift's song 'this love', it's romanogers and it hurts me just listening to it


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